I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
