I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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