I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize