Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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