the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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