Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
