I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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