I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You were trust falling into bushes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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