Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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