Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
