Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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