I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
