phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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