Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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