im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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