The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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