I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
