I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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