i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
