oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
