she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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