People in love make me want to vomit
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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