Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My liver just broke up with me...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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