Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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