so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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