i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
cat food counts as protein by the way
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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