at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
