god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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