I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
