If that was your dad, he is hot
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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