just tell him i said nine months
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
