I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My ass is underappreciated
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
