And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Randomize
