dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
