is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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