Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
