Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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