Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
