I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is Oprah even human
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
