she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
