found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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