Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
