Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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