I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
