I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
