It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
