1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize