In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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