he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
