there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
