I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
