Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
