just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
