I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
