I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
