I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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