So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Its about making memories worth repressing
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
