im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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