I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
