Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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