Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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